this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
