Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
