Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sorry about my life...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
