New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I have feelings that need drinking.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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