Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
