she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
