Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
