I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
