question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
What a dumb baby whore.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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