you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
