he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
