A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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