God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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