She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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