sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
