I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
