when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
