I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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