Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
