I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
