Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
