Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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