Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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