Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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