This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
