thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
