He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
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I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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