I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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