I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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