I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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