It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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