My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
