I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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