i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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