Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
is wine microwaveable?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
