Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He felt like a one man threesome
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
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He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
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My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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