I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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