I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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