so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
and you fell through a lawn chair
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
