dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
