the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I checked into jail on foursquare
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
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