just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
