Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
