Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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