The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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