My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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