I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
They have beer where we have blood.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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