my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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