he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
