my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
