if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
