In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
