got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
