JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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